


Now and Then

by emmerrr



Series: Take The Long Way Home [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Future Fic, M/M, but with flashbacks, other characters mentioned or with small cameos but this is very much the nurseydex show, to say that this sort of got away from me would be a colossal understatement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 03:58:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10070372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmerrr/pseuds/emmerrr
Summary: Dex crash lands back in Nursey's life two years after leaving him completely broken-hearted, and Nursey has to decide what he's prepared to forgive if he and Dex can have any sort of future.





	1. Chapter 1

_I replay all the scenes in my head_  
_Till I get blue in the face while you're waking the dead_  
_Is it just me or do you miss me?_  
\- Sleepwalking by Lissie

***

**Now:**

 

“Who should I make this out to?” Derek asked, smiling at the girl in front of his signing table, a fantastic blush high on her cheeks.

“Oh, um, Emily,” she said nervously, handing over her copy of Derek’s newest book of poems.

Derek stifled a chuckle as he signed the inner cover and handed it back to her. “Well, Emily, thanks for your support. . .” Derek trailed off as he spotted movement near the back of the store, someone stepping out of the line. A glimpse of red hair, a familiar gait, heading out the door.

“Dex?!” Derek called out, standing up so quickly that he almost upset the table. The figure didn’t turn around, didn’t even slow, and disappeared out of the shop door as Derek stared helplessly after.

“Mr. Nurse? Are you alright?” Emily asked, bringing Derek back to himself, if only because he hated it when people called him Mr. Nurse.

“I’m fine, thank you. Sorry,” he said, plastering on another smile. “I thought I saw someone I used to know, but I—” Derek cut himself off, shaking his head. “Can’t have been.”

The rest of the afternoon passed slowly; Derek signed the books and he smiled and he took photos when people asked and he made polite small-talk with the manager of the store who had organised the signing, but he spent the entire time feeling completely off-balance. It was infuriating; it had been two years since he had seen a certain William Poindexter and still even just seeing someone with the same hair-colour could have an effect on him.

It was stupid, and it was wishful thinking, because that couldn’t have been Will. Will wouldn’t be in New York at all, let alone _here_ , in _this_ bookshop where Derek just _happened_ to be doing a signing for his new release. It wasn’t possible.

A little after five, Derek stepped out into the busy street and took a left, heading to the subway. He took out his phone and pulled up Chowder’s number, hitting the call button before he could rethink.

Chowder predictably picked up ridiculously quickly. “Nurseyyyy!”

Derek couldn’t help but smile; he thought that everyone deserved to have a friend like Chowder, someone who always seemed so happy to hear from you. “Hey, C. How’s it goin'?”

“Good! Really good. Oh, I didn't tell you yet, Cait got a promotion! So we’re celebrating later.”

“Oh, that’s awesome, man. Tell her congrats for me.”

“Will do, will do. Anyway bro, what’s up?”

“Ah, nothing much, just. . . book stuff, I guess. But I actually called ‘cause I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

Derek took a breath. “Do you know if Dex is still in London?”

“Nah, bro, he’s back stateside. Didn’t he tell you?”

Derek was abruptly alert. “Is he in New York?”

“Uhhhh, no, I don’t think so. He was in Maine last I spoke to him, and that was a few days ago. Didn’t sound like he planned on going anywhere else for a while. Seriously, have you guys not been in touch? I thought you were cool?”

Derek rubbed a hand down his face. “We’re. . . fine. But we’ve not spoken in a while I guess. The only number I have for him is his UK one, can you send me his US number?”

“Sure thing, bro.”

“Thanks, Chowder. Listen, I gotta go, I’ll be underground in a sec. Love you buddy.”

“Love you more.”

Derek laughed and hung up as he went down the steps to the subway. He never had any signal on the train, but he kept checking it anyway to see if Chowder had sent Will’s number through. It wasn’t until he got off at his stop that his phone vibrated with the contact information. He hurriedly put his phone in his pocket to prevent him from calling Will immediately — it wasn’t like he knew what he’d say anyway. _Oh, hey, remember me? The guy who’s heart you shattered into a thousand tiny pieces before you fucked off to London, barely spoke to me for two years then came back out of the blue but didn’t see fit to tell me?_ Yeah, maybe Derek needed to think on it a while.

He reached his building and went inside, giving a lazy two-fingered salute to Archie the doorman as he passed. Archie gave him a knowing smile which Derek had no idea how to interpret, but he headed to the elevator and hit the button for the 6th floor.

When the doors pinged open and Derek stepped out, the reason for Archie’s smile became abundantly clear, and Derek froze. Sitting on the floor outside Derek’s apartment was Will. He had headphones in and hadn’t noticed Derek yet. His hair was different; a little longer on top but with an undercut now, and he looked. . . he looked good. One knee was pulled up to his chest and there was a book open in his hand. Derek’s stomach lurched as he realised it was _his_ book that Will was reading, and it was this that finally pushed him forward.

Will registered the footsteps when Derek was a few feet away and looked up, startled. His eyes widened in astonishment when he saw who it was and Derek almost laughed even though the whole situation was anything but funny; Derek _lived_ here, why the fuck was Will so surprised to see him?

He yanked his headphones out and scrambled to his feet. “Hey, Nursey,” he said, and it came out hoarse, like he hadn’t said anything out loud in a while.

“Hi,” Derek said, with considerable more calm than he actually felt. He nodded at the book in Will’s hand. “I take it that _was_ you I saw earlier then? At the bookshop?”

Will nodded sheepishly.

“I called your name. Didn’t you hear me?”

Will looked at the floor. “I heard.”

Derek glared for a moment, then sighed expansively. “Come in. I’m starving.” He unlocked the door and stepped inside, chucking his keys onto the kitchen counter and taking off his jacket. He turned around to see Will still hovering over the threshold, and Derek felt a spike of irritation. “For fuck’s sake, Dex, in or out.”

Will snapped out of his trance and stepped jerkily inside, closing the door behind him. This must be weird for him, Derek realised belatedly. The last time Will was here, it was _his_ apartment too. The last time he was here, he and Derek had broken up and Will had gone back to his parents place. In the week that followed he and Derek spoke once on the phone, Will trying to arrange a good time to come and get his stuff, but Derek had told him not to bother; he didn’t want to see Will and would send the belongings on himself (at Will’s cost, of course). Afterwards Derek had enlisted Shitty to help him pack all of Will’s stuff and send it to Maine, a task that had been so emotionally draining that Derek had sat on the floor of his kitchen and cried into Shitty’s shoulder for an hour. But of course Will wouldn’t know about that.

“It’s good to see you,” Will said at last.

“Is it?” Derek retorted, and Will winced at the tone. Derek deflated a little. “I’m sorry, man, that was uncalled for. It’s been a long day and I haven’t eaten and _you_ being _here_ is seriously messing with my head. I feel like I’ve gone back in time.”

Naturally, Will decided to focus on just one of the things Derek had said. “You haven’t eaten at all?” he asked, narrowing his eyes slightly, and the familiarity of the question mirrored with Will’s concerned expression made Derek’s heart clench uncomfortably. Derek forgetting to eat had always been one of Will’s biggest pet-peeves.

He shrugged, going for nonchalance. “Like I said, I’ve been busy. C’mon, Poindexter, I’ll order a pizza. What do you want?”

Will hesitated for a moment. “I don’t know what you’ve got in your kitchen, but I can make you something if you want?”

“No,” Derek said quickly. This was weird enough as it was; he couldn’t have Will cooking for him as well, that would be too much like old times. “No, that’s okay. Let’s just have pizza.”

A glimmer of hurt crossed Will’s face but he recovered quickly and offered Derek a half smile. “Sure. I could go for some pizza.”

* * *

 

 _I said, “Better late than never_  
_Just don’t make me wait forever”_  
\- The Less I Know The Better by Tame Impala

***

**Then:**

 

It had been an ongoing process during their first year at Samwell, but the antagonism between Derek and Dex had definitely thawed. It was still there, but the edges were softer now; Derek’s chirps were less likely to enrage Dex and would instead elicit an exasperated smile. Dex’s responses too no longer went straight for the jugular; he wasn’t actively trying to offend Derek anymore (as if he ever _could_ — Derek was chill), and was instead proving that he did actually have a sense of humour. Somewhere down the line, Dex had decided to stop viewing every interaction with Derek as a fight, and it was. . . well, it was nice.

Derek was discovering new things about Dex now that they were arguing less; different sides to make up the whole. Like when Dex stepped up on Hausgiving when Bitty evidently needed a helping hand, and the shy smile on his face in the picture of him with a pie in his hands, Derek and Chowder on either side. And if Derek had noticed the way the backs of Dex’s ears had gone pink when Derek propped his chin on Dex’s shoulder and rested a hand on his head, then he elected not to say anything, instead filing that information away for future reference.

Or like when Derek got sick and Dex had taken it upon himself to check up on him, even bringing Bitty along for back up, just to make sure that Derek was eating and keeping warm and staying inside. “I’m chill,” he had said through a blocked nose, but the answering fury on Dex’s face had stopped him saying anything else. “Your health isn’t a joke, Nursey,” Dex told him, then disappeared before showing up again half an hour later with hot soup in a flask and various cold and flu remedies. Derek eventually gave over to Dex’s ministrations, and even though he still felt crappy, it was nice to have someone taking care of him, even if it was Dex. Maybe _especially_ because it was Dex. But in his semi-delirious state, Derek didn’t linger too long on those thoughts; it was a dangerous road to go down.

Although, when Derek had recovered to fighting form and he was free to observe Dex without the haze of sickness clouding his judgment, he started _noticing_ things. The pink in Dex's cheeks whenever Derek threw a lazy arm around his shoulders, the fond little smiles when he didn’t think Derek was looking, how he’d always grab at Derek’s arm to steady him on the many occasions he tripped over his own feet, or a step, or the curb. Or the way he always came by in the morning to drag Derek to breakfast just to make sure he had eaten something on any given day (Derek just forgot sometimes — he didn’t think it was a problem but Dex definitely did). Just tiny little gestures of care that Derek wouldn’t have thought Dex capable of back in August, and now he had not only seen them but they were being directed at _him_. It was a little overwhelming, and Derek wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Somewhere along the line, Derek had realised his feelings for Dex were more romantic than bromantic. It had been a gradual thing; so gradual that Derek hadn’t even noticed until he was already in way too deep. And Derek wasn’t blind. He was pretty sure that Dex reciprocated, even if it was just a little bit, just by his reactions to Derek (which Derek couldn’t deny that he was really enjoying bringing out). It should have been the easiest thing in the world for something to happen.

But the problem was that Dex was still uptight about so many things. Derek would flirt, subtly if they were with the rest of the boys, less so if they were alone, and sometimes Dex would flirt back, but sometimes he’d retreat and rebuff Derek with the kinds of chirps Derek thought they’d long since moved past. He didn’t know if Dex’s attitude was because Derek was a guy, or because Dex was _Dex_. He didn’t exactly know which way Dex swung because Dex never really talked about that kind of thing at all. At the start of the year Derek had pegged him as straight for sure, but now he had changed his mind. Derek wasn’t vain, even though a lot of people thought he was, but he had still noticed the way that Dex looked at him, and he knew what it meant. It just didn’t seem likely that Dex would ever do anything about it.

They continued like this for a while, moving in and out of each others orbits, getting just close enough to touch before rotating away again. The rest of the team hadn’t appeared to notice that anything was amiss between the pair, with the exception of Chowder, if only because Chowder was acutely attuned to all things Derek and Dex.

“What’s _with_ you two lately?” he asked Derek one day after practice on the way to the Haus — Dex had gone back to his dorm to do homework.

“Nothing, bro. We’re chill.”

“Nursey, you are the furthest thing from chill I have ever seen.”

Derek mock gasped. “Why you gotta do me like that, C.?”

Chowder had thrown his hands up in exaggerated exasperation but he dropped it, and Derek made sure to try harder to act normal around Dex from then on, if only to prove to Chowder that everything was fine.

It was after the devastating last game that things slowly started to change. Everyone had taken it hard, everyone blaming themselves in their own way, and it was the most sombre bus-ride back to campus they’d ever had. Jack had barely said a word when he and Bitty had reappeared, just thanked the boys for everything they’d done and a game well played. He and Bits sat together on the bus, Jack’s eyes still red-rimmed, and Bitty wringing his hands together anxiously next to him. Derek figured he was probably itching to bake something. Chowder, across the aisle from Derek and Dex, was looking staunchly out of the window and wouldn’t speak to anyone. Derek had tried when they first got on the bus but Dex had stopped him, putting a hand on his arm and shaking his head.

Halfway back to Samwell, Dex started sniffing, and he slid further down his seat like he could hide. Derek slid down too until they were at the same level again.

“You okay, Dexy?” he whispered.

Dex gave him a watery smile. “I’m chill, Nursey. Aren’t you?”

Derek shrugged. “Not really,” he said, and then Dex’s face crumpled and he looked ardently forward. Derek wrapped an arm around Dex’s shoulders and leaned his head to the side to rest against Dex’s. He thought Dex might jerk away, but he seemed to need the comfort just as much as Derek did and instead he relaxed against Derek with a shaky sigh. Derek’s other hand was buried in the front pocket of his hoodie, and he almost flinched in surprise when he felt Dex’s hand edge in the other side and gently tangle their fingers together. Derek squeezed back, but didn’t dare say anything in case the moment was shattered. He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing.

They sat like that for the remainder of the journey, and if any of the other boys noticed, they were good enough not to mention it. It was the kind of easy affection Ransom and Holster showed all the time, but Derek and Dex were decidedly not Ransom and Holster. Regardless, the air had changed between the freshman d-men; silent acknowledgement of whatever they had both been feeling. Derek was a naturally affectionate person, but Dex wasn’t, so Derek knew it was more than just a platonic friend cuddle. They needed to address it, and soon, before Dex could act like it hadn’t happened.

Derek trailed Dex back to his dorm. Again, it was like an unspoken agreement between them that wherever they were going tonight they’d be going together. Besides, they’d experienced a heavy loss and Derek was bummed and there was nowhere he’d rather be than with Dex right now.

Dex’s roommate wasn’t there when they arrived so at least they were alone. Dex tossed his duffel onto the floor and sat on the edge of his bed, before falling on his back with a frustrated groan.

“I’m so fucking mad. Are you mad?”

“About the game? Yeah, I guess. I’m more sad, though. Shitty and Jack’s last game and all.” Derek sat down next to Dex, close enough that their thighs touched and they were sharing warmth.

“Fuck,” Dex said. “I feel like the season only just started, and now it’s _over_ and Jack and Shitty will be leaving soon and everything’s _changing_. . .”

Derek laid down on his side so he could see Dex’s face. “Not all change is bad, though,” he said quietly.

Dex’s amber eyes darted to Derek’s and he stared for a long moment. “That’s true,” he said after an excruciatingly long time.

Derek steeled his nerve. “Look, Dex, I’m gonna say something and if I’m reading this all wrong feel free to let me down gently, but. . . okay, there’s something I want to do. Not now, not tonight, because I’m sad right now and it’s something that shouldn’t happen for the first time in a sad moment. But like, I want to kiss you. At some point. If that’s chill with you.”

For a brief moment, Dex’s expression remained utterly impassive, but then a slow smile spread across his face, along with the telltale pink tinging his cheeks and ears. “Yeah, Nursey,” he said. “It’s chill.”

* * *

 

 _We’ve got work in the morning_  
_But it’s nearly 5 AM_  
_Is this really what we envisioned?_  
_We won’t be 21 again_  
\- 5AM by Amber Run

***

**Now:**

 

Derek lay flat on his back across the full length of the sofa, a dozen empty bottles of beer on the floor beside him that he and Will had made their way through. Will sat cross legged on the floor in front of the sofa, his back to the middle cushion. If Derek were to reach out, he could run his fingers through Will’s hair. He managed to refrain from acting upon that impulse.

It was half past three in the morning, and Will was no closer to telling Derek what he was doing here. They had talked about other things; their families, places they’d been and friends they’d made, which then led into talking about their shared friends, and for the last hour they had been rehashing old Samwell memories. They talked around their relationship, sticking to more neutral things like:

“Hey, remember when we had that piggy-back race and you tripped and sent you and Chowder flying into the volleyball team?”

“Of course I do, it was my finest hour.”

Derek snorted. “ _How_?”

“Because,” Will said, “if it wasn’t for _me_ Chowder might never have met Farmer and started a love story for the ages.”

Derek hesitated. “Well, I guess that’s true,” he said quietly, but the tension in the air had changed, as if by mentioning love at all — even though they weren’t talking about themselves — had reminded them of their own history. Derek couldn’t see all of Will’s expression because of how he was sitting, but judging by the way he had gone quiet, he probably felt it too.

Will was idly playing with Derek's book, opening and shutting the front cover, over and over again. A nervous habit that Derek recognised from college.

"What do you think?" he asked, motioning the book when Will glanced at him for clarification.

"I like it so far," Will said. "But I haven't finished yet. I'll let you know."

Derek accepted that with a hum; poetry had never really been Will's thing, but he had always read Derek's stuff. At least, the ones Derek  _let_ him see. He didn't know how he felt about Will reading the new book, but it was published; it wasn't like he could stop him. He thought that if he asked him to stop reading, Will would probably oblige him, but he supposed it didn't really matter. The contents weren't a secret.

“Will,” Derek said, just to get Will to look at him, and when he did his eyes were wide and vulnerable in a way Derek hadn’t seen in a long time. “What were you doing at the bookshop earlier? And why did you leave?”

Will exhaled, like he had been bracing for this all night, and hell, maybe he had. “I’ve been in the city since the day before yesterday for job interviews. I was going to call you, I just hadn’t built up the nerve yet. Like, I didn’t even tell Chowder I was coming in case he mentioned it to you, and I wanted to tell you myself—” He broke off, shaking his head. “Anyway, yesterday, I walked past that bookshop and in the window was this giant photograph of your face.” Will let out a breathy little laugh. “And next to it was a table full of your new book and a notice saying you were going to be there the next day to sign copies. I dunno, it felt like a _sign_ or something, and you know I don’t even believe in that shit. So I went in and I bought your book and then I went back to my hotel, and I got it into my head that I was going to surprise you, y’know? Come and get you to sign my copy and chirp you about the photo, and it would be _so_ easy and normal.” He stopped, like he had run out of steam, a complicated expression on his face.

“. . .and then?” Derek prompted.

“And then this afternoon I went back to the shop with my book, and I saw you in the flesh without you seeing me, and I got into the line, and it was so _long_ , Nursey.”

“And _what_ , you decided I wasn’t worth the wait?”

“No, man, that’s not what I mean.”

Derek sighed in exasperation. “Then what the fuck happened?”

“The wait gave me time to think about what I was doing and I realised that I had no right to ambush you like that when you didn’t know I was in the same country, let alone the same city. Like, who the fuck am I to come up to you and act like everything’s cool and try and chirp you like we’re still twenty years old when the last time I saw you I basically pulled the plug on our relationship with barely even a conversation.” He shrugged. “It didn’t sit right with me, and so I ran out. I hoped you wouldn’t see me but then you called my name but I was too chicken to stick around. So I went to a coffee shop for a couple of hours and then I came here and asked Archie to let me sit outside your apartment and wait for you, because I didn’t want you to think you were going crazy.”

There was a silence while Derek digested what he had just heard, and Will peeked at him out of the corner of his eyes, blatant apprehension on his face. “You could have just called,” Derek said at last.

Will barked one short laugh at that, not that there was much humour in it. “You’re right, I could have.”

Derek hesitated before asking his next question. “Why did you leave London?”

Will dropped his head back so that it was touching Derek’s thigh, and Derek unconsciously scooted closer. “Because I wanted to come home,” he said quietly, so quietly that Derek almost missed it.

Derek rolled over onto his side, suddenly exhausted. His eyes felt heavy and he knew he was mere moments away from falling asleep. “Dex?” he mumbled.

“Mmm?”

“It’s good to see you, too.”

* * *

 

 _I will lose my mind I’ve come to find_  
_Whenever in your presence I am present_  
_Imagination has me seated at your side_  
_It’s nothing short of bliss_  
_It’s the best thing in the worst way_  
_Loving you like this, loving you like this_  
\- Drive by Gretta Ray

***

**Then:**

 

The summer before senior year, Dex took Derek home for the first time. Derek had met the Poindexter’s before of course, and they knew who he was to Dex, but it had taken them a little while to fully come around and Dex hadn’t wanted to force anything. All the appropriate parties now felt fully comfortable, and so it was time.

Derek sat in the passenger seat, tilted slightly so he could watch Dex. Watching Dex drive was one of Derek’s favourite pastimes; he always looked so relaxed and. . . _serene_ almost, especially now, with the sun catching his hair just right. If Derek was to go back to his very first impressions of Dex, he would have assumed him to be a rigid driver; both hands on the wheel at all times in the 10 and 2 position, back straight, always sticking exactly to the speed limit, no more, no less. But the reality was quite different. Dex was leaning back in the driver’s seat, one hand loosely on the wheel and the other propped on the open window, half in and half out. He was humming along to the music, and Derek smiled triumphantly because it was _his_ phone plugged into the AUX cord. As much as Dex complained about Derek’s music, here he was, singing along.

Dex glanced over and caught him looking.

“What?” he asked suspiciously.

“Nothing,” Derek said, facing back forward and putting his feet up on the dash. “I thought you hated this song.”

“I _do_ , but it’s still catchy. And take your feet off the dash, were you raised in a _barn_?”

Derek laughed but complied. “Well, we can’t listen to your angry music _all_ the time.”

“Why not? I’m the one driving, I _should_ get to choose. And for the last time, it’s _not_ angry.”

Derek laughed again; he really was in an extraordinarily good mood. He liked getting Dex to go on rants, he liked sitting next to Dex in the car, he liked that Dex was finally in a place where he could happily have Derek and his family co-exist on Dex’s home turf without feeling like he had to hide their relationship. He liked being with Dex, was the thing. He _loved_ Dex.

“Maybe if you took a turn driving for once, I’d let you have your music choice more often,” Dex said, still going, ignoring Derek’s amusement.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Derek said.

“Why not? I trust you not to wreck my car. . . sort of.”

“As much as I appreciate that glowing display of support, I don’t have a license.”

“How do you not have a license?” Dex asked, brow furrowed like he couldn’t understand the concept.

Derek shrugged.

“Nursey,” Dex said slowly, as a grin began to form on his face. “Nursey, are you trying to tell me that you don’t know how to drive?”

Derek hunched a little in his seat. “You say that like it’s a surprise. When have you ever known me to drive — or even mention driving — in all the time you’ve known me?”

Dex burst out laughing, completely uninhibited, Derek’s favourite kind. “How have you hidden this from me for so long, this is _incredible_!”

“Chill, Dexy, it’s not that funny,” Derek said, but he was smiling.

“It really, really is,” Dex said, wiping a tear from under his eye. “You are _such_ a city boy.” Derek couldn’t really argue with that as he was, in fact, a city boy.

A silence settled around them, the comfortable kind that often followed a bout of laughter, and then Dex said, “If you want, I could teach you. While you’re staying with me, at least.”

Derek arched an eyebrow. “You’d let me drive your car after I’ve just admitted to you that I don’t know how?”

“Well yeah, duh, hence the teaching you part. There’s plenty of empty places where we can practice so you won’t be at risk of crashing or running over anyone. Trust me, Nursey. I taught my sister to drive, I’m sure I can teach _you_.”

Derek thought about it for a moment; he’d never really considered the prospect of driving before, it didn’t seem necessary. There was no point in New York when public transport was just more convenient. But it was definitely a useful skill, and honestly, Derek liked that Dex cared enough to offer. Dex’s time was a precious commodity, and for him to volunteer it for something like this, Derek couldn’t help but be touched.

“Alright then, Poindexter. I’ll let you teach me how to drive.”

* * *

 

 _When the whistle blows_  
_And we pull out slow_  
_This is where I build my home_  
_And I wait for you so patiently_  
_Letting you find your own_  
\- Home By Now by Bombay Bicycle Club

***

  **Now:**

 

Derek woke up with a crick in his neck and a headache. He groaned loudly as he hoisted himself into a sitting position and he blinked blearily, disoriented. He didn’t realise why he wasn’t in his bed, and then he remembered Will and looked to the floor.

Why Will had slept on the floor when there was an empty bed, Derek didn’t know, but he could admit to himself that he was a little glad that at least this way he could allow himself a moment to watch Will before he woke up.

Will looked younger in sleep; he always had. The almost ever-present crinkle between his eyebrows smoothed out and he looked soft in a way he very rarely let himself look whilst awake. He had always had a habit of curling up into a ball, and Derek was relieved to see that this was something that hadn’t changed. It was cute.

“Dex. Hey, Dex,” Derek said, and watched as Will screwed his face up; an instant frown now that he was awake. He grumbled something incoherently. “Rise and shine, Poindexter.”

Will’s eyes shot open and found Derek’s face immediately. He smiled, unguarded. “I forgot,” he said, voice thick with sleep. “I forgot I was with you.”

Derek didn’t think Will was awake enough to fully realise what he was saying, but he warmed slightly anyway. Will rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?” he asked through a yawn.

Derek pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed a button, squinting at the harsh light. “It’s just gone ten.”

“Okay. Wait, what?” Will sat up quickly.

“It’s ten o’ clock, man, keep up.”

“ _Shit_ ,” Will grappled to his feet, overbalancing slightly with the speed. “I have a job interview in an hour.”

“Oh. Shit,” Derek said. He watched as Will hurried around the apartment, grabbing his jacket and his phone and putting his shoes on. Derek swallowed thickly; he wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.

“Listen, Nursey, I’m so sorry to run out like this, but I’m gonna be late if I don’t go now,” Will said, looking frantic as he headed for the door.

“Okay,” Derek said stiffly.

Will opened the door and stepped out. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

Derek smiled, but it felt forced. “It’s chill, Dex. Go to your interview.”

Will’s face fell, obviously seeing the strain in Derek’s expression, but he nodded tightly and took off at a run down the corridor. Derek shut the door behind him and then went to bed, hiding himself under the covers and trying not to think about Will. He was annoyed that Will had to leave so quickly but he couldn’t exactly direct that irritation at Will — he had a legitimate reason. And he said himself that he was sorry to run out like that, which seemed to imply to Derek that there was more to say, so presumably, Will would be in touch. With that in mind, Derek drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

When he woke up an indeterminable amount of time later he was groggy and grumpy — a byproduct of going back to sleep when he really didn’t need to. He also had 3 messages from Will.

\- _sorry I had to run out on you, that’s not how I wanted that to go but I forgot to set an alarm. can I see you later? would that be ok?_

\- _I have another interview at 2 but should be out by 3. let me know if you’re free? I’m going back to maine tomorrow._

\- _nursey, are you mad? please talk to me._

Derek sighed. The last message had been sent half an hour ago, at 3.10pm, which meant Derek had been sleeping for almost 6 hours. No wonder he felt like shit. He fired off a response.

\- _Was sleeping, not ignoring you. Yeah I’m free. What do you wanna do?_

* * *

 

 _I’ve lost you now, you let me go_  
_But one last time_  
_Tell me you love me_  
_If you don’t then lie_  
_Oh lie to me_  
\- True Love by Coldplay

***

**Then:**

 

Derek knew something was wrong the minute he got home. Will was there, but he was sitting in silence in the living room — no TV, no music, no nothing — hands clasped tightly as he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. He was pale; he looked like he was going to be sick.

“Will?” Derek said, and Will’s head jerked up at the sound.

“Hey,” he croaked out. “We, uh, we need to talk.”

Derek gave a half-smile, but there was an uncomfortable fluttering of apprehension in his stomach. “Sounds serious. You breaking up with me, Poindexter?”

Will froze, stricken, and Derek took a step back without meaning to. “Wait, _what_? Will?” Derek had never felt such immediate panic before; it was disorienting.

Will audibly swallowed before standing up and taking a hesitant step forward. “I got a job offer in London. It starts in three weeks and I’m going. I’m taking it.”

Derek tried to follow but it was difficult; he felt like he was missing some pieces. “Okay? Congratulations, I guess?”

“Derek, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I was trying to decide what to do, but I have to go. I _have_ to.” His eyes were pleading, like he desperately wanted Derek to understand, but he just didn’t.

“Why do we have to break up just because you’re going to London?”

Will shook his head, eyes starting to water. “I could barely handle being away from you in the breaks when we were at college, I can’t do it with a distance this big. It’s — it’s too much. For both of us.”

“Will,” Derek said, and he was surprised at how clear his voice still sounded. He felt detached from this moment, like it was a dream, or that it wasn’t really happening to him. He felt like a spectator. “You can’t want this. Do you?”

“I’m sorry,” Will said, and his voice cracked in the middle. Then he looked at his watch. “ _Shit_. I’ve got to go, I have a flight to catch. I’m going back to Maine.”

“Wha— _now_?” Derek said, incredulous, but Will was already reaching down to pick up a packed suitcase from the other side of the sofa. “You’ve already _packed_? What the _fuck_ , Will, were you hoping to be gone before I got home?”

“No! No, of course not, but I can’t stay, not now.”

“Will,” Derek said, and now he was starting to feel it; desperation seeping into his voice, his posture. “Take it back. Please. You can still take it all back.”

“Derek, I will _always_ love you, and I’m so, _so_ sorry, but I have to go. I’ll be in touch about the rest of my stuff soon.” He reached for Derek but Derek recoiled, and Will bit his lip, nodded, and made for the door. He looked over his shoulder once. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

And then he was gone and Derek was alone, his entire world slipping out from underneath him as he struggled for balance.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

* * *

 

 _Baby I need a good talk, a short shock_  
_Couldn’t think enough to make the situation clear_  
_A quick end to this misery_  
_But I could stay with you_  
_Get another bad night’s sleep_  
\- Another Bad Night’s Sleep by The Silver Seas

***

**Now:**

 

They met up outside Will’s hotel and Derek took him to a little independent place which was the closest thing to Annie’s that Derek had been able to find since finishing at Samwell. It was a fairly recent discovery so Will hadn’t been there before, and he seemed to appreciate why Derek had chosen it.

“How did your interviews go?” Derek asked after they had ordered.

Will shrugged. “Okay, I think,” he said, which meant they’d gone well.

“Have you applied for jobs other places, or just New York?”

“Just here. It’s not because you’re here or anything,” he added quickly, ears turning red, which meant that it was at least _partly_ because Derek was here. “There’s a sister company here to the one I worked at in London, so I was hoping I could just do a straight transfer. But the London office wasn’t too happy with me leaving, so maybe they’ll try and block it out of spite.” He frowned at the idea. “Either way, it’s a good idea to hedge my bets so I’ve been applying to other places.”

“Smart,” said Derek. “So you’ll probably be looking for somewhere to live pretty soon then, huh?”

“Yeah. I’ve been looking at apartment listings while I’ve been here. I’m sure I’ll find something. Speaking of,” he looked Derek in the eye for the first time since he sat down, “I’m surprised you still live in the same apartment. I thought you would have moved.”

“Why? It’s a great apartment.”

“I know, it’s just — being there last night brought back a lot of memories I guess. It would have been hard for me to live there after. . . you know,” he said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head.

“After you ripped my heart out and stomped all over it, you mean.”

Will recoiled like he’d been punched. “Jesus, Nursey,” he muttered, but Derek couldn’t find it in him to feel bad.

“It _was_ hard at first. I actually went to stay with Shitty and Lards for a little while because I was so fuckin’ lonely and was going a little stir-crazy. I thought it would help to be somewhere that I had no memories of you in. Then I realised I was just hiding and I went home.” Will had dropped his gaze while Derek spoke, like he was ashamed or guilty, but it just made Derek angry; he didn’t want Will’s belated pity. “I mean, sure, living there meant I thought about you every day. But I probably would have done that anyway even if I moved.”

Will jerked his head up at that. “You, uh. . . you thought about me?”

“All the time. How could I not?”

“Me too. I thought about you. I _still_ think about you.”

Derek shrugged. “Okay. Great,” he said. “What am I supposed to do with that though?”

Will sighed. “Nothing. I just wanted you to know.”

Derek accepted that silently and then steered the conversation back to a more neutral topic. The thing was, he was pretty sure that Will wanted them to get back together, which was really incredibly presumptuous of him. Will had done a super shitty thing and didn’t get to just waltz back into Derek’s life like nothing had happened. Which was why, on reflection, Derek was glad Will had bailed halfway through his original plan of showing up at the signing. Derek wasn’t sure how he would have reacted to that. He liked to think he would be chill, but as history could attest to, Derek was remarkably un-chill when it came to all things Will Poindexter.

And that was the problem; having Will here again within arms reach, just made Derek _ache_ with want and longing. It would be _so_ easy to let Will come back and fill the hole he had left in Derek’s life, and dammit, Derek _wanted_ him to. Missing Will took up too much of Derek’s energy as it was.

But it couldn’t be that simple; Derek couldn’t _let_ it be that simple. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he hadn’t deserved what Will put him through, and seeing him again just made it abundantly clear that Derek was still angry, and he just didn’t think that Will fully understood why. Until he did, Derek didn’t see a way forward for them.

After they had finished eating they walked back through the park. Derek didn’t think either of them particularly wanted to say goodbye yet, but he also didn’t want to invite Will back to his apartment — he was drawing new lines in the sand.

It wasn’t that late, but Will had an early start to head back to Maine in the morning. As they neared his hotel, Derek caught Will’s sleeve and pulled him into the dark shadows of a looming building, out of the way of all the foot-traffic. “Hey,” he said when he and Will were face to face.

“Hey,” Will replied, barely a whisper.

Derek cupped Will’s face in both hands and leaned forward to kiss him; a ghost of a kiss, that felt more like a memory than a tangible thing, and then Derek pulled away.

“I just wanted to do that first, because I have something to say.”

Will looked dazed, but he nodded. “Okay.”

“I love you. I never stopped, really, and I’m glad you’re back. I am. But I’m so, _so_ mad at you.”

Will’s expressions had danced around wildly while Derek spoke, but he landed on indignation in the end and naturally jumped to the wrong conclusion. “Derek, I had a _job_ _interview_ , I didn’t _mean_ to leave so quickly—”

“No, not about this morning,” Derek interrupted. “You had an interview and you overslept and had to hurry, I get it. These things happen. I’m not mad about you running out on me this morning. I’m mad about you running out on me two years ago.”

Will gaped at Derek, apparently rendered speechless. He grappled for something to say but seemed to fall short, and Derek only gave him another few seconds before carrying on.

“Y’know, I don’t think you leaving would’ve messed me up as much as it did if we’d been having problems leading up to it. But we were in a really good place. Our relationship was the most stable it had _ever_ been, and I thought you were happy with me. Was I just reading that all wrong?”

Will shook his head vehemently. “No, of _course_ I was happy with you, but then this huge opportunity landed on my lap and I just — Nursey, I _had_ to take it.”

“I _know_ that, you would have been stupid not to. But that didn’t mean you had to call time on what we had.”

“Nursey,” Will started, stricken, “it was gonna be hard enough going in the first place, I couldn’t throw long distance into the mix as well, it would have fuckin’ destroyed me.”

“I could’ve gone with you. Did that never even cross your mind?”

“I—” Will broke off. He looked utterly distraught, so much so that Derek had to actively stop himself from reaching out, even though he knew Will needed to hear this. “Fuck, of _course_ it did. I wanted that more than _anything_ , but you were starting to build up a lot of contacts in New York for your writing and you had great momentum going and I thought it would be unbelievably selfish of me to expect you to give that all up and follow me to London.”

“You never even fuckin’ _asked_ me!” snapped Derek, now gesticulating wildly even though he’d been trying to keep his emotions in check. He distantly hoped they weren’t making a scene. “Don’t you get it, Dex? That’s why I’m so mad. I’m not saying that I definitely would have gone with you if you asked, because I don’t know that for sure. But I dunno, it would’ve been nice to be given the option to think about it. You made the decision _for_ me, Dex. You took away my _choice_.” He took a breath, actively trying to calm down.

Will took half a step forward, shell-shocked. “Derek,” he started, and Derek closed his eyes for a moment. He had forgotten what his name sounded like out of Will’s mouth. “I wanted to ask you. I _did_. But I think I was scared that you’d say no and I’d end up in London not only alone but also broken-hearted. I just didn’t realise until later that by not asking you at all I’d end up alone in London broken-hearted anyway.”

Derek froze. “You’re an idiot.”

Will sighed. “I never pretended to be smart.”

Derek stared for a moment but then his resolve broke and he wrapped Will in a hug, arms around his shoulders, cheek to cheek. Will’s arms encircled his waist immediately and Derek could feel that he was shaking. “You’re a fucking idiot, Poindexter,” he reiterated softly, right into Will’s ear. “I can write from anywhere, but there’s only one _you_. You should have asked me to come.” He didn’t say that he thought he probably would have gone with Will, even though he was pretty sure that he would have. It seemed too cruel somehow, like pouring salt in an open wound. He pulled away and stepped out of Will’s space. “You owe me an apology.”

“I’m so—”

“No,” Derek cut him off. “I don’t want to hear it right this second. I’m too mad. I’m just saying, at some point, I think you owe me an apology.”

Will opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Fair enough,” he said at last, then he smiled; a teeny tiny self-deprecating smile. “I never took you as someone who’d hold a grudge.”

“Me neither. And yet here we are,” Derek said, and he shrugged and took a backwards step. “I’m gonna go. But don’t be a stranger, Dexy. You have my number.”

“I’ll call you. I promise,” Will said. Derek nodded, then spun on his heel and started to walk away, until Will called after him again. “Hey, Derek?”

He looked over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“For whatever it’s worth, I _do_ love you.”

Derek smiled, the first genuine one he’d felt all day. “It’s worth a lot,” he said, then carried on walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this whole thing came about because I felt inexplicably sad and decided that to make myself feel better I'd make some hockey bros sad if only so I could make them happy again afterwards. And it just spiralled into this absolute mess. I'm sorry if it reads out of character, just indulge me, I was having a moment. I have no good excuse for making Dex do what he does in this - I was reading it back after and I was like geez that's a shitty move, Dex.
> 
> I was in two minds whether to post this or not but then I'd already wasted so much time on it that I figured I may as well, plus hopefully it will motivate me to finish it and make the sad happy again.
> 
> <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god there was supposed to be less angst, I'm so sorry.

_It’s just you and I tonight_  
_Why don’t you figure my heart out?_  
\- Heart Out by The 1975

***

**Then:**

 

“Y’know Dex, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you didn’t trust me.”

“I’d trust you a lot more if you hadn’t blindfolded me,” Will grumbled, tugging at the bandanna Nursey had tied around his eyes.

He felt Nursey’s hand wrap around his wrist to move his hand away. “Come on now, man, indulge in a little whimsy once in a while, it won’t kill you.”

“Where even _are_ we?” Will hated surprises, and he hated not being able to see where he was going, and he was painfully aware that he was being guided by Samwell’s clumsiest hockey player. The odds were good that at least one of them was heading towards an injury.

“You really don’t get the concept of the blindfold, do you?”

“Nursey, I swear to _god_ —”

“Chill, Poindexter, we’re almost there.” Nursey’s hands were loosely on Will’s shoulders as he guided him forward, but Will was still wary of taking too big a step. He felt like a baby deer testing out its legs for the first time; honestly, it was embarrassing.

His heel caught on some uneven ground and Will lost his balance and jerked forward helplessly out of Nursey’s grasp, but Nursey was there in an instant, hands on Will’s waist as he pulled him back steady. “I’ve got you, Dexy,” he said, so close to Will’s ear that he could feel Nursey's breath on his neck, and he shivered involuntary.

“Can I take this off yet?” he said, hoping that Nursey wouldn’t notice the blush that he could definitely feel.

“In a minute.” Nursey took Will’s hand and slowly pulled him a little ways further. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” Will asked, but could already hear Nursey’s footsteps receding. “ _Nursey_ ,” he hissed, but there was no answer. Will stayed rooted to the spot, not wanting to risk falling when there was no one around to catch him, and resolved to give Nursey one minute to come back or he was taking the blindfold off.

He didn’t know why he’d agreed to this. Or no, actually, that wasn’t strictly true. It had been two weeks since the final game, two weeks since he and Nursey had nudged over the line of what constituted a platonic relationship, and they’d been skating that line ever since. Nursey had told Will that he was going to kiss him at some point, and Will was still waiting. Sure, he probably could have taken the initiative and done it himself, but Nursey had already said he was going to and it seemed polite to wait. So when Nursey had met him after class and asked if he could take Will somewhere, he’d said yes. Of course, it wasn’t until later that Nursey had sprung the blindfold idea on him, but by that point Will figured he had already come this far.

He was just about to rip the bandanna off his face, to hell with Nursey’s secrecy, when he noticed a sudden brightness, like some lights had been switched on. And then there were footsteps approaching and he heard Nursey give a low whistle. “You kept the blindfold on. I thought for sure you’d take it off while I was gone.”

“Yeah, well, you asked me not to. But can I _please_ take it off now?”

“Hang on, Dexy, I got it.” Will felt hands round the back of his head as Nursey undid the knot he’d tied in the bandanna, and then all of a sudden Will could _see_.

There were so many fairy lights that at first Will couldn’t tell what he was looking at, eyes still adjusting from being covered for so long, but after blinking a few times he realised they were at a crazy golf course. They appeared to be the only people there, and all the fairy lights made it look cozy and, well, _romantic_  .

Nursey cleared his throat and Will glanced at him, surprised to see that he actually looked nervous. “What do you think?” he asked.

Will looked around in wonder, and then turned back to Nursey with a smile. “I think this looks a _date_. Is this a date, Nursey?”

Nursey rolled his eyes. “Well yeah, obviously. I thought that was implied, since I told you I was gonna kiss you at some point and then I asked you to go somewhere with me. I thought you’d put two and two together.”

“Are you finally gonna kiss me then?” Will asked, brain only really registering what he’d said after the words had left his mouth.

Nursey smirked and stepped right into Will’s space. “Well, if you _insist_ ,” he said, and then he was leaning in and Will just about had the presence of mind to close his eyes.

There was a hand on his face and another on the side of his neck and lips on his, and Will clutched at Nursey’s t-shirt, wanting him closer. It was the nicest first kiss he’d ever had; short and sweet and shrouded in the glow of hundreds of fairy lights, and when Nursey pulled back, he rested his forehead against Will’s for a moment.

“I hope it was worth the wait, Poindexter,” he said, “because if you want another one, you’ll have to beat me at crazy golf.”

“I am going to kick your _ass_ at crazy golf.”

“Oh, so you _do_ want to kiss me again.”

“Fuck off, Nursey.”

* * *

 

 _And I fall down on what to say_  
_Oh something clean, let me be clever_  
_Hey oh well, whatever_  
_But that’s not what I mean_  
_Where we’ve been has left us burnt_  
_Still I won’t turn now from a fight_  
_You know I’ll never win_  
\- Blinded (When I See You) by Third Eye Blind

***

**Now:**

 

Will had sent Derek a text when he got home just to let him know he’d arrived safely, and although he could see that Derek had read the message, he received no reply. He tried not to take it as a slight, because he knew it wouldn’t be meant as one. Besides, Will had promised that he’d call Derek, so perhaps Derek had decided not to make any contact until then. He wasn’t sure when to call; maybe when he had solid plans for his move back to the city. He was probably majorly overthinking this, but it was hard not to. Every interaction with Derek suddenly seemed so vital; Will couldn’t afford to fuck anything up.

The novelty of being back in Maine in his childhood home with his mom to cook for him had worn off even before Will had gone to New York for his interviews, and now that he was back again, he felt like he was losing his mind.

It wasn’t even like he would be here for long; he had already heard back from two of the places he’d interviewed with and they had offered him positions, so he could — in theory — start planning for his move. It was another new chapter, and Will sort of thought that he should feel more excited about it. He had a little bit of time before he had to accept or reject his job offers, so at the moment he was holding out for a position at the London office’s sister company, but he supposed it didn’t really matter if he didn’t get that one as he had fall-backs.

Will’s to-do list was ridiculously long, but finding somewhere to live was the task of most importance. He knew that Shitty and Lardo lived in New York and would probably put him up for a little while if he asked, but he really didn’t want to impose. And under no circumstances could he ask Derek — that would be so unbelievably unfair of him. So yeah, apartment hunting was very much on the agenda.

And Will was _trying_ , he really was, but it was hard to concentrate in his old room where he felt suffocated by an onslaught of memories that seemed close enough to touch. Will had pretty much gone straight from college to New York with Derek, and after that he’d been in London. That meant that the last time he’d spent any extended amount of time in his old bedroom was the summer break before senior year; the summer that Derek had been here, sharing his space, sharing his bed. Any time after that had been short stopovers, just back to see the family, and Derek had been with him most of those times, too. The almost three weeks he’d spent in Maine before moving to London, Will had slept in his sister’s room as she was away at college, unable to stomach being in his own.

Will’s room was like a snapshot in time, untouched by the upheaval of the last two years, and everywhere he looked something would catch his eye and trigger a visceral memory: Will’s old highschool hockey stick in the corner that Derek had managed to trip over almost every single morning; the Samwell hoodie draped over the back of the desk-chair that Derek had forgotten and Will had never given back; the picture of Derek and Will on the bedside table that Jack had taken on Bitty’s graduation day — Derek had kissed Will on the cheek and said, “ _You’ll_ have to make the pies next year, Poindexter.” There were pieces of Derek — pieces of their shared history — all over this room, and it was torture.

His sister Sarah was in town so he couldn’t sleep in there again, and his brother’s old room had long since been turned into an office, but there was still a perfectly good sofa in the living room so Will didn’t technically have to sleep in his room. But as painful as it was to be surrounded by his past, Will couldn’t bring himself to leave. It hurt, sure, but it was also comforting in a way Will didn’t fully understand. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine that it was that summer again, when he and Derek had spent almost every waking (and sleeping for that matter) moment together and it still hadn’t felt like enough. Will tried not to dwell on things that had happened in the past because he couldn’t change them and it was a waste of energy. But what he wouldn’t give to go back, even if it was just for a day.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t hear his bedroom door open, and almost jumped out of his skin when he heard Sarah’s voice.

“Self-pity is a terrible look on you.”

Will scowled. “Ever heard of knocking?”

“I _did_ knock. You were too busy being pathetic to notice.”

Will opened his mouth to defend himself, but he had nothing, so instead he just shot her a dirty look from where he sat at his desk with his laptop, a web browser open in front of him with apartment listings that Will couldn’t concentrate on. Sarah sat down on Will’s bed. “You haven’t said much since you got back,” she said.

Will shrugged. “There’s not much to say.”

“I take it you saw Derek?”

“Yeah.”

Sarah waited a beat. “That’s all you’re gonna give me?”

Will sighed. “What do you want me to say, Sarah? That I saw Derek and he gave me more of his time than I deserved and it was wonderful and awful and I miss him so much that it makes me feel physically sick?”

“Yeah, something like that,” she said with a wry smile. Then her eyes softened and she took on a more serious expression. “Seriously, though, are you okay?”

“Yeah. No. I dunno.” He absently started fiddling with the sleeve of Derek’s old hoodie that still hung over the back of the chair. “He kissed me, and he said that he loved me.”

Sarah brightened. “Well that’s a good sign.”

“And then he ripped me a new one and told me I owed him an apology, then he wouldn’t _let_ me apologise because he was too mad to hear it. So now I’m trying to compose the perfect apology and I have no idea where to start, or what I could possibly say to make it better.”

“Oh, Will, there’s nothing you can say that will make it better.”

Will dropped his head back and groaned. “Well, great. Fan-fucking-tastic.”

“No, what I mean is, the hurt has already been caused and you can’t take that away. Derek isn’t expecting you to somehow say some magic words and undo all the heartache you left him with because that isn’t possible. He just wants you to be sincere. And he probably just wants to believe that you actually understand how you made him feel.”

“I thought I _was_ being sincere. And hey, he’s not the only one who’s been hurting.”

“Sure, but whose fault is _that_?” Sarah said, arching an accusing eyebrow at Will, managing to look so like their mother in this moment that it was a little off-putting.

“Alright, alright, I know. I _know_. But I was just—” he broke off, frustrated, struggling with the words of what he was trying to convey. “I was too scared to ask him to come, but I knew I had to go, so I think I was just trying to protect myself from any more pain than I was already going to be feeling. I don’t know. It sounds stupid now,” he finished, miserably.

Sarah edged closer so that she could reach his hand. “I get it, Will. I do. Trying to protect ourselves is human nature. But while you were protecting _yourself_ , who was protecting Derek?”

Will dropped his head, feeling like utter shit and wondering when the hell his little sister got so smart.

She squeezed his hand. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. It’s just something to think about.” She stood up. “Now come on, you and me are going on a walk so you can get some fresh air, and when we get back I’m going to help you find an apartment.”

Will hoisted himself to his feet in what felt like a herculean effort. “Thanks, Sarah,” he said quietly.

“Anytime.”

* * *

 

 _When the evening pulls the sun down_  
_And the day is almost through_  
_Oh, the whole world it is sleeping_  
_But my world is you_  
\- Bloom by The Paper Kites

***

**Then:**

 

Will and Nursey’s relationship wasn’t a secret. Not exactly, anyway, and Will was pretty sure that Chowder had them sussed even though he would never dream of talking to them about it unless they brought it up first. But they had never mentioned to anyone that they were now a _thing_ , and they didn’t make it obvious either. If anyone were to ask him point blank if Nursey was his boyfriend, Will liked to think that he’d be honest and say yes. But there was a niggling part of him that worried he’d lie just out of reflex; a knee-jerk reaction that he’d be unable to prevent.

Will knew that Nursey wanted to tell the team, even though he had never explicitly said anything. It was in his posture; the way he’d cross his arms tightly over his chest when Will sat next to him at the Haus, as if he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands to himself otherwise, the displeasure in his eyes whenever Will noticeably kept his distance. He asked Will once if they were ever going to tell the team, and when Will said, “At some point,” Nursey had accepted it with a nod and never pushed any further. He was just so accommodating of Will, never wanting to put him in a position he didn’t feel comfortable with.

Will wasn’t afraid of telling the team. They were the most accepting group of people Will had ever known and he knew that none of them would so much as bat an eyelid at the news; they would be delighted at the opportunity to make a fortune in fines instead. It was more of what telling the team represented. It was laying out a side of himself that he’d always kept behind a locked door until Nursey had shown up with the key.

He _was_ afraid of telling his parents. They were good people and they loved him, and he knew that they would love him regardless and that him telling them he was dating a boy wasn’t going to change that. They weren’t going to disown him, they weren’t going to shout. But they weren’t going to _understand_. They weren’t going to be happy for him, not like they would be if Nursey’s first name was Denise instead of Derek. It shouldn’t matter what they thought, but it did, and Will was putting it off. He had put it off all summer after he and Nursey first got together, and it was now nearly Christmas and he was no closer.

He might have put it off even longer, until he had a sudden realisation. He finished his last class of the day and headed over to the Haus, following the smell of pie into the kitchen, and as soon as he stepped inside Bitty shushed him and pointed to the table where Nursey sat, fast asleep with his head pillowed on one of his course textbooks.

“How long has he been sleeping?” Will whispered, taking a step closer.

“About thirty minutes. I was gonna wake him, he’s gonna get a crick in his neck, but he just looks so _peaceful_. . .” Bitty said.

Will smiled. “I’ll wake him up.”

“Dex—” Bitty warned, obviously expecting him to shake Nursey or shout, ensuring he jolted awake.

But he didn’t need to be concerned; Will reached out and softly ran the back of his hand down Nursey's cheek. “Hey, Derek,” he said softly, and Nursey slowly blinked awake.

His eyes gradually focused on Will’s face and he smiled, sleepy and radiant, and Will loved him. Had loved him for a while now, really, but this was the moment when he _knew_. “Will,” Nursey mumbled, taking Will’s hand, then he sat up straight and seemed to clock Bitty behind them for the first time.

He made to release Will’s hand, but Will held on, and met Bitty’s flabbergasted gaze. “We’re going to tell the team soon,” he said. “So don’t say anything until then?”

The biggest grin spread over Bitty’s face. “Of course not,” he said, then wiped away an imaginary tear. “My little frogs, all grown up.”

Will shook his head, fond, and when he glanced back at Nursey, he was staring at Will with something akin to wonder. “What?” he asked, suddenly embarrassed.

“Nothing. I’m chill.”

Will rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

Later on, back in his dorm, Will steeled himself and picked up the phone.

“Will!” his mom said brightly when she answered the phone, and he indulged her in a few minutes of chatter, letting her catch him up on what was going on at home, and telling her about hockey and his studies, but then he steered the conversation back to where it needed to be.

“Actually, Ma, I’m calling because I have something to tell you.”

“What is it, baby?”

“I’ve — I’ve been seeing someone. For a few months now.”

“Well, you kept that quiet,” his mom said with a laugh. “Must be serious if you’re only telling me now.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

“Go on then, put me out of my misery. Who is it?”

Will took a breath. “It’s Nursey. Derek Nurse, from my team, you remember? You met him.”

There was a long pause. Too long a pause, and eventually Will was the one that broke it. “Ma?”

She cleared her throat. “Yes, I remember Derek. He seemed like a lovely boy,” she said stiffly.

“He is,” Will said helplessly. “I’m sorry, Ma, maybe I shouldn’t have done this over the phone. I just — I think maybe I put off telling you for so long because I needed to make sure that it was worth telling you about, and. . . well, it is. It’s important. He’s important to me.” He felt like he was babbling, and stopped talking.

For a moment, all Will could hear was his mom’s measured breathing on the other end of the phone, but then she finally spoke up. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth, Will. You’ll be home for Christmas soon and we can talk about it more then, but. . . as long as you’re happy, I’m happy,” she said, and although she sounded uncertain, Will still breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Thanks, Ma,” he said.

“Do you want me to tell your father?”

Will hesitated. “You can tell him, I don’t mind. We can talk about it when I’m home, anyway.”

“Alright then. Well, I’ll let you get back to your studying. I love you, baby.”

“Love you too.”

Will hung up. All things considered, that could have gone a hell of a lot worse. It wasn’t exactly acceptance, but it wasn’t dismissal either, and Will felt quietly confident that given some time, she’d come around. It might have seemed a cowardly way out to tell her on the phone, but this way she could tell his dad and they’d have a little time to come to terms with it on their own, before Will saw them in person. It would give a little time for the dust to settle.

With that in mind, Will left his room and headed for Nursey’s.

Nursey had, by some fluke, managed to end up in a single room. This would have annoyed Will a year ago, stupid Nursey always ending up with all the luck, but this year, it was incredibly convenient.

Will knocked on Nursey’s door, and as soon as it opened he all but flew forward and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. Nursey put one arm around Will’s waist and pushed the door shut with the other, before twining it in Will’s hair.

“You okay, Dexy?” he asked gently, and Will felt _warm_.

“I just came out to my mom.” Nursey’s hold tightened. “Well, I told her about _you_ , so. . . same thing really.”

“How did she take it?”

Will shrugged — with difficulty, as he still hadn’t relinquished his hold on Nursey. “She still loves me. And she said we could talk about it more at Christmas. And she also said that you were a lovely boy.”

“I _am_ a lovely boy.”

“I know that. I agreed with her.”

Nursey laughed, and ran his hand in soothing circles up Will’s back until Will slowly started to relax. He pulled away. “It went better than I expected, I guess. I think it’s going to be okay.”

“Of course it is, Will. Your parents aren’t monsters. It’ll be weird for them, but they’ll come around, I’m sure of it.”

Will nodded, suddenly exhausted. “Yeah. Me too.”

Nursey cupped his cheek, rubbing a thumb softly under the fragile skin under Will’s eye. “You wanna sleep here tonight?” he asked. Will nodded mutely, then headed to the sink in the corner of Nursey’s room where there he kept a spare toothbrush for occasions such as this.

He brushed his teeth and when he’d finished, Nursey had laid out a spare pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt for Will to sleep in on the bed, and Will got changed and clambered into the bed, getting close to the wall. Nursey turned off the big light but left his desk one on as he finished up some homework. “I won’t be long,” he said, and Will nodded.

The next thing he was aware of was Nursey gently creeping into bed, clearly trying not to jostle Will. Once he had settled he noticed Will’s open eyes. “Sorry,” he whispered. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

Will shook his head and buried closer, clutching Nursey’s t-shirt as if to make sure he was real.

“Hey, Dex?”

“Mmm?”

“I’m really proud of you.”

Will scoffed sleepily, and Nursey laughed softly. “I mean it. Look at you, ripping off all the bandaids at once. I’ll do the talking when we tell the team if you want. Feels like it’s my turn.”

“’Kay,” Will mumbled, already halfway to falling back asleep. “Thanks for letting me stay.”

Nursey kissed him on the forehead. “You can stay forever.”

Will was asleep before he could chirp Nursey for the sheer sappiness of that comment.

* * *

 

 _Keeping every lock broken_  
_In case I ever come home_  
\- Amen by RITUAL

***

**Now:**

 

Thanks to Sarah’s extensive help, Will had managed to arrange viewings at four different apartments the following week, and providing at least one of them was up to scratch, he’d be able to put down a deposit immediately. He could stay in a hotel until he moved in, which hopefully wouldn’t take too long. It wasn’t _ideal_ , but it wasn’t really a problem either, and it was Will’s own fault for not extending his trip to look when he was in town for his interviews.

The transfer for the position at the sister company to his London job hadn’t been approved, much to Will’s chagrin, but he felt a little better knowing that it was due to petty spite rather than him being incapable of the job. He’d accepted one of the other positions instead, and it was a good one, so he couldn’t really complain.

It started in two weeks so Will had a little bit of down time, and so far he had been spending it reading Derek’s book. Will never pretended to understand that much about poetry; his brain just wasn’t built for it, but even _he_ could tell that Derek’s stuff was good. The latest book was filled with poems about love, and it was beautiful, and it was heartbreaking, and it was achingly familiar.

When Will had finished the book, he searched online and found a video on YouTube of an interview Derek had given a few weeks earlier. It was mainly standard sort of questions, stuff about his writing process and so on, but then the interviewer had asked about the new book specifically.

“Forgive me if I’m wrong, but when you put all the poems together, the whole thing sort of reads like a love letter. Would that be accurate to say?”

Through the computer screen, and only noticeable because Will knew him so well and was watching very, _very_ closely, Derek froze. Then he took a drink of water and smiled. “I suppose you could read it that way, yeah.”

“Was there anyone in particular you had in mind when you wrote it?”

Derek shrugged, and although to anyone else's eyes the gesture probably seemed flippant and offhand, Will could tell that he was supremely uncomfortable and his heart clenched on Derek’s behalf. “It’s pretty words,” he said. “They can be about whoever you _want_ them to be about.”

Will didn’t watch anymore. He picked up the phone instead.

Derek took an age to answer and when he did, Will realised he’d woken him up. “It’s one in the morning, Dexy,” he said groggily.

“Oh shit, sorry. I didn’t realise it was that late. I’ll let you go back to sleep.”

“Will, wait,” Derek said, obviously picking up on his tone. “Is something wrong?”

“Yeah. I mean no. No, just — I haven’t really been sleeping.”

Will heard Derek shift, probably sitting up in his bed. “Something on your mind, Poindexter?”

Will laughed a little at that. “I guess. I, uh, I finished your book today.”

Derek paused. “You did?”

“Yeah. It’s good, Derek. It’s really good.”

Derek scoffed. “Like you’d know,” he said, but Will could hear the smile in his voice.

“I’ll be back in the city next week. I’ll be looking at apartments, and then my job starts the week after.”

“Aw, that’s awesome, man. We should do something when you’re back. Celebrate your grand return to the motherland.”

“You’d really want to?”

“Sure. I’ll call Shits, him and Lardo are always game for a reunion.”

Will’s heart sank; as much as he loved Shitty and Lardo, he’d thought Derek meant just the two of them. But it was still Derek willingly offering Will his time, which was probably more than he deserved. “Yeah. That sounds great,” he said.

A silence settled, and Will knew he should let Derek go back to sleep, but he had to ask. “Who are they about, Derek?”

“Huh?”

“The poems. Who are they about?”

Derek sighed heavily. “C’mon, Will. Who have they _always_ been about?”

* * *

 

 _Here’s a letter for you_  
_But the words get confused_  
_And the conversation dies_  
_Apologise for the past_  
_Talk some shit, take it back_  
_Are we cursed to this life?_  
\- Here’s Your Letter by Blink-182

***

 

**Then:**

 

The good thing about having so much to do in the run up to his big move to London was that Will hadn’t really had a chance to process the huge emotional upheaval he had just caused. The closest he had come was on the plane ride from New York to Maine. The flight wasn’t long enough for him to get too lost in his own head, but he spent the entire time on the verge of tears, and it was so obvious that the stewardess had asked him if he was afraid of flying. Will had just said yes; it was easier than telling her the truth.

He couldn’t believe he’d broken up with Derek.

It was easy to tell himself that it was the right decision for both of them. Derek had a huge future if he made the right steps now, and those steps were in New York. And Will, who had always worked so hard for everything he had, who had been raised not to squander any opportunity thrown his way because they were few and far between, had been head-hunted by a very successful company in London. He couldn’t turn that down, even though everything in him was screaming to stay with Derek. He would always wonder what if unless he went. But at the same time, he couldn’t ask Derek to come with him. It just didn’t seem fair.

So Will tried to put Derek’s distraught face out of his mind, and he filled his days to the brim, making sure he saw all of his family before the move, as well as taking the time to go and see Chowder.

Chowder had given him a huge hug, then said, “You and Nursey are my best friends, and I love you both equally so I’m not taking sides. But I just gotta say, not cool, bro.”

Will had felt appropriately chastised, but Chowder had left it at that, and had even gotten a little teary eyed when Will had to say goodbye.

The time passed in the blink of an eye, and before Will knew it, he was already in London, in a tiny but functional flat, with a new job that kept him busy, and friendly co-workers that were only too happy to take the new boy out and show him the sights and keep him company. And if, at the end of the night, Will went back to his flat alone and had a little cry when he got into bed, then that was just a little bit of homesickness, and besides, it was nobody else’s business anyway.

He spoke to Derek rarely. Both of them were still active on the group chat, but they wouldn’t respond directly to anything the other had said, and Will got the impression that the others were probably reining themselves in a little too, out of misplaced courtesy. It wasn’t necessary; if anything, it made it _harder_ , even though their hearts were in the right place. Will sent Derek the odd message; perfunctory things really, just checking in to see how Derek was getting on, saying very little about London or himself. Sometimes Derek would reply, just as perfunctory, but a lot of the time the messages went ignored and honestly, Will couldn’t blame him.

Living in London became a constant struggle of telling himself that the experience he was gaining was invaluable and it was the right choice career-wise, but he was also in a never-ending cycle of missing home, missing his family, his friends, missing Derek, _always_ Derek. There were several long emails in Will’s drafts folder, all to Derek, all full of things that he wanted to say but had no right to. He lived in fear that he’d get drunk and send them one night, but he couldn’t bring himself to delete them. They were his heart, laid bare.

After being in London for about a year, Will heard from Chowder that Derek had started seeing someone back home, and he had spent the weekend getting drunk and angry, and then sober and guilty. It was good for Derek; good that he was moving on. Good that Will hadn’t damaged him so irreparably that he couldn’t open himself up to someone else. And then six months later Chowder had told him that they were no longer together and Will’s gut-reaction was such bone-crushing relief that he felt ashamed for weeks.

Derek’s love life was none of Will’s business, not anymore, and he had no right to feel anything about it whatsoever. He hadn’t heard from Derek in a while anyway, the odds were that Derek was just fine now, and didn’t spend any time at all thinking about Will and how he was doing in London.

Which was not very well at all. Will had finally accepted that he was utterly miserable and that, good learning opportunity or no, this was no way to live. In a fit of desperation, he called his mom and asked her what he should do.

“What do you _want_ to do, baby?”

“I want to come home,” he admitted quietly, the first time he had ever said it out loud.

“So come home,” she said, like it was that simple. And maybe it was.

Will slowly started to put the pieces in place, making sure his resume was in the best condition possible, checking in with the various contacts he had amassed since leaving college, and looking into potential positions back home. New York was the obvious choice; there was a sister company there, but if not there were several other companies that were similar. Will was confident enough in his professionalism and experience that any of them would jump at the chance to have him, and that wasn’t him overselling himself; he just worked that hard and his references would attest to that.

So Will handed in his notice (to his boss’s extreme displeasure — it made the last few weeks a touch uncomfortable but Will couldn’t bring himself to care), and he booked his flights and packed his stuff and arranged his interviews, and he thought about the future and the fact that he didn’t know exactly what it would hold, except that it would be in New York.

Derek was in New York. And god dammit, Will started to _hope_.

* * *

 

 _I thought I heard you say something about being undeserving_  
_This time not of a Love so great, but of a pain inflicted so selfishly_  
_I think that you deserve some form of apology_  
_So here I am, and here it is, I’m sorry_  
\- Honey Bee by Seahaven

***

**Now:**

 

Much to Will’s surprise, Derek offered to come to his apartment viewings with him. Will had agreed quickly, before Derek could re-think and retract the offer, but when he met Derek outside the first one, he said, “You know, you really don’t have to do this, man.”

Derek shrugged. “It’s chill. I didn’t have anything better to do today.” He smiled. “Besides, it’s always useful to have a second set of eyes for this kinda thing.”

“Well, thanks,” Will said.

“No probs,” Derek said easily.

And here was the part where Will was confused, because Derek was making this all look so easy. Their last meeting had been emotionally fraught, and Derek had made it clear that despite still being in love with Will, he wasn’t yet in a place where he could forgive him. He wanted his apology, and Will wanted to give it to him, but he was waiting for the right moment, whenever the hell that would be. He had thought Derek wouldn’t be all that keen on seeing him at _all_ , at least for a while. But no, Derek had said they should celebrate Will coming home, and then he had offered to come today, and Will didn’t know what it meant.

He _did_ know that he liked having Derek so nearby again, and as they were walking, their arms bumped together in a way that in the past would have prompted Will to hold Derek’s hand. Now, however, Derek put his hands in his pockets, a clear rebuttal. Right, so that’s where they were. They loved each other, but no hand holding. Okay. Got it.

Will was so anxious not to cross any of Derek’s lines. He just didn’t know where all of them were.

It turned out that having Derek along to look at the apartments was a godsend, as Will’s head really wasn’t in the game, and Derek seemed to know all the right questions to ask. The first two apartments were, well, _shitholes_ , to put it mildly. Will thought the third was okay, but Derek had shaken his head vehemently out of sight of the estate agent, and when they left Will had asked him what was wrong with it.

“I definitely saw a bloodstain in the bedroom. Besides, that’s like, _murder_ neighbourhood. You don’t wanna live there. I’m only looking out for you, Dex.”

Will groaned. “This is a disaster. I’m gonna end up living in a hotel out of my suitcase for weeks on end.”

“We’ve still got one more viewing. You know what they say, fourth time’s the charm,” Derek said brightly.

“That is _so_ not what they say, Nursey.”

“I’m pretty sure it is,” he said, just on the edge of a laugh, and Will _melted_ because it had been so long since he’d had this; Derek smiling, Derek being asinine just to piss Will off. He wanted it all back so badly.

They reached the last place and spent an age looking in every nook and cranny, Will making extra sure that there were no bloodstains in this one. The rent was good, the place was clean, and it was convenient for work. Will was sold, but he looked at Derek and raised an eyebrow. Derek gave him two thumbs up.

Once Will had finished sorting things out with the estate agent, he went back over to where Derek was staring absently out the window.

“It’s only two blocks away from your place,” Will observed quietly.

Derek turned to Will and smiled, like the thought had only just crossed his mind. “So it is. Guess I’ll be seeing a lot more of you then.”

***

A month after moving back to New York and starting his new job, and Will was finally getting used to his new normal.

Derek had arranged Will’s welcome back party as promised, and as well as Shitty and Lardo, Jack and Bitty had been in town and had joined them. It was the most fun Will had had since before he’d moved to London in the first place, a thought so monumentally depressing that he nearly teared up.

He had woken up the next morning on Derek’s sofa with a killer headache and no memory of how he had gotten there. Derek came into the living room, dropped some painkillers and a glass of water onto the table in front of him and gave Will a wry grin. “You used to be able to handle your drink better, Poindexter.”

That was another thing; Will and Derek saw each other _all_ the time. It felt like they were friends again, proper friends, which was more than Will ever could have hoped for. He kept wanting to ask Derek if he was really okay with seeing Will so much, but their new relationship seemed so fragile and he was afraid to shatter it and have to start all over again.

The wanting hadn’t gone away. Wanting to hold Derek’s hand, wanting to lean into him, wanting to kiss and hug and everything else he used to take for granted because he thought he’d always have it.

He was driving himself crazy waiting for the right moment to say something. And so he decided to _make_ it the right moment. It was ten o’clock at night, and Will sprinted around to Derek’s apartment. The elevator took too long to come, so he ran up six flights of stairs, and by the time he reached Derek’s door, he was a sweaty, out of breath mess. But he’d already come this far. He knocked on the door.

Grand gestures weren’t really Will’s thing; they had always been Derek’s forte. But Will had himself, and he had heartfelt honesty, and he just hoped it would be enough.

The door swung open.

“Will?” Derek asked, concerned confusion on his face. “You okay? You’re very. . . sweaty.”

“I know,” Will panted. “I ran here. Listen, I need to tell you something.”

“Alright.” Derek grabbed Will’s arm and pulled him inside. “Let me get you some water first, you look like you’re gonna pass out.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I need to get this out now. Please?”

Derek held up his hands in a placating gesture, then motioned for Will to go ahead.

Will took a huge breath. “As long as I’ve known you, I feel like you’ve had to wait for me to catch up, always. You waited for me to get my shit together and realise my feelings for you, you waited for me to be ready to tell the team and my family about us even though it took _months_ , then you waited like, a year and a half for me to feel comfortable enough to take you home and introduce you properly to my family. And you never complained, not once. And now, you’ve had to wait for me to give you an apology. A real one.”

Derek had gone deathly still, eyes wide and shining.

“I know that I’m more than two years late, and you don’t owe me anything. You don’t now, and you never have. But I’m _here_ now, and I want you to know how sorry I am. No excuses, no meaningless platitudes. I — I fucked up, and that’s only ever been on me. I was wrong, and I’m sorry, Derek. For everything.”

Will paused, and allowed himself a moment to catch his breath again. Derek seemed shell-shocked, but that was okay, because Will wasn’t finished.

“I’ll understand if you can’t forgive me, but I hope that you do, because I love you. You make me happy — _so_ happy — and if you let me, I think I can make you happy too. And I’ll tell you I’m sorry as many times as you need me to until you believe me. But if this is too much for you — if what we’ve had the last few weeks is the best that you can offer, then I’ll take it. Because _any_ amount of time with you makes my life brighter.”

There was a beat, then two, as the full weight of Will’s words settled in the air around them.

Derek blinked a couple of times. “Dexy,” he said. “That was beautiful. Did you write that down?”

Will rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “I just sort of winged it. I’m sorry it took so long.”

Derek took a step forward then gave Will a long, considered look. Finally, he nodded. “I accept your apology.”

Will exhaled and slumped into a stool at the breakfast bar. “Really?”

“Really. And hey, you’re right. I _have_ spent a lot of time waiting for you. But you’ve always been _worth_ the wait. You were worth the wait then, and you still are. I would wait forever for you. I’d rather not _have_ to, but I would. So thank you for apologising, and I forgive you, and I love you too.” Derek shrugged. “But you knew that already.”

Will had the sudden urge to giggle, but he managed to squash it down. “So what now?” he asked.

“Now? Now you’re going to drink a glass of water, and then you’re going to have a shower, then I’m going to kiss you, and then we’re going to watch TV. We can just take it from there and see how we go. Sound good?”

And Will smiled, the truest smile he’d ever given. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

***

 _Then you tell me that you miss me, and I’m like_  
_Oh god, I miss you too_  
_It’s all I ever do_  
_I’m coming back to you_  
_And I won’t let go_  
\- Miss You by Gabrielle Aplin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this seems rushed, it's probably because it is. This fic started as me just venting and it spiralled way out of control but I really wanted to finish it. Angst isn't really my thing and this is FULL of it, so writing it has been super draining but I really needed to get it out of my system. I originally wanted the ending to be even happier than this but this felt more natural in the end.
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting, kudosing if you did/do, and just know that if I made you sad, I made myself SADDER.
> 
> <3


End file.
